piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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