you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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