she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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