The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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