No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
