I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
