The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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