yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
