No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
