Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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