Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
