I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize