She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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