btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
