I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
