You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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