is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
