I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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