No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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