I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
