Plan B is the new Plan A
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
