in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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