I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
