so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
