Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
