I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
