she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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