I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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