The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
