My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
