Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
