I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
