My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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