I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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