all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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