They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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