How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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