Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
