Nicole vs. Life
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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