This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
