I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
