I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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