I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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