even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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