TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
