K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw a hot homeless man
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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