If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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