Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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