He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
