I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
