And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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