I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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