I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
