I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
