he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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