just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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